In this post I would like to address the topic of preparing for marriage even before a man comes along that you may think you want to marry. As a young woman, I will be addressing this issue as regards women.
I am a young woman who is preparing myself for marriage whenever God sees fit for that to happen. I have been seeking to prepare myself for my husband and future union to him for years even though I have never been asked to enter a relationship. Young women: I believe it is important to prepare ourselves for marriage even before we have a man in mind.
Let us look at 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord."
I would like to use a principle from this passage to support my position. "And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. " I believe that this principle can be applied to women who are preparing for marriage before a man comes along, and those who are preparing themselves thinking of a certain man whom they have already decided they will marry.
The unmarried woman without a man in mind.
The woman who has not decided who she will marry can be busy about preparing herself for marriage without her emotions being as distracting and clouding her discernment as much. She can more fully evaluate her own heart and whether or not she is ready for marriage, without the clouded judgment that could occur if she had already grown attached to a specific young man. She can also set herself to preparing herself for marriage without trying to please a certain young man and devoting herself to spending time with him, etc. Instead of trying to prepare herself for marriage at the same that she is trying to decide whether or not a specific young man is the one that God has for her to marry, she can be setting her mind to make sure that she will be ready whenever that man does come along. One list of characteristics that we should seek to be cultivating in our lives is the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
A good godly wife will be mature in her spiritual walk and will strive to live a holy life and to please God in all that she does. A woman who is kept for her husband alone will be pure, and when she is married she will be faithful to her husband as long as they both shall live. The single years are a great time for a woman to devote herself fully to growing in her spiritual walk and living a holy and pure life, while serving within her family and preparing to be a suitable helpmeet to her future husband. In Proverbs 31:12 it says: "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." One way that we as young women can do our husbands good all the days of our lives is to keep ourselves for him, and to prepare ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually to be his helpmeet.
Quite a while ago now, I began preparing a list of questions for potential suitors. This list consists of important questions ranging from questions of doctrine and Christian living, to questions of personal preferences that would matter on whether our personalities and lifestyles are compatible. Even without a man in mind, I am putting together this list in order to be able to evaluate any potential suitor that may come along in the future. I believe that this is useful in order to help us in our judgment as young women to ask a broad range of important questions to see whether a man will make a suitable husband, and to not have our judgment as clouded by only considering a small area of his character.
If you have a broad range of questions you can hopefully avoid the error of desiring a man because he has really good _______ (fill in the blank,) while having horrible Theology or doctrine. The questions on my list are things that I have thought of over the years that I want to know the answers to before I marry a man. Having a list like this will also hopefully save me from regrets. I never want to regret allowing my heart to be attached to a man before I know whether he is a godly young man and would make a suitable husband. I never want to regret that I did not first evaluate his character and spirituality before I grew attached to him. I will specify that I believe that the advice of godly parents and strong Christian advisors are important in discerning who a woman should marry. I will discuss this more later. (The Bible teaches that children are to obey their parents and that we are to honor our father and mother. Ephesians 6:1-3)
I can devote my time to growing in my relationship with God and cultivating the qualities and skills that I will need in marriage without being distracted by a certain man. This is a great benefit to preparing before that special man comes along.
Another benefit to preparing for marriage before a man comes along is that you have more time then if you wait until a man asks your father to court you. Imagine the stress and how overwhelming it could be if you are not prepared for marriage until you are courting! Imagine all that you would have to get done during that time. Also, marriage is a lifelong commitment. Preparing for it for many years may seem like forever when you are in the midst of the preparing stage, but even without being married, I am sure all the preparation will pay off.
In Luke 14:25-33 Jesus talks about the cost of discipleship. I do not want to take this passage out of context, but I do want to see the principle of counting the cost. We as young women should sit down before we start a courtship and evaluate whether or not we are ready to enter a relationship.
In Luke 14:25-33 Jesus talks about the cost of discipleship. I do not want to take this passage out of context, but I do want to see the principle of counting the cost. We as young women should sit down before we start a courtship and evaluate whether or not we are ready to enter a relationship.
Preparing for marriage before your husband comes along can also be helpful to avoid long courtships that could cause more temptation. If you want to be ready for marriage you should prepare yourself before you start courting so that you are not stuck unprepared for marriage, yet waiting to marry the man you are courting. Think again about counting the cost to see if you have what you need to be ready for a relationship. Instead of being stuck unprepared, if a young woman is prepared before she starts courting, she can then be ready and her courtship can be a time of evaluating whether this is indeed the man for her to marry, and once that is decided marriage can take place quickly since she is ready to be married. Long courtships can cause temptation as a man and woman grow attached to one another. There are many examples in Scripture of people falling into sexual immorality. I also know for me that I wouldn't want to spend years thinking about marrying a man and spending time with him and growing closer to him and becoming emotionally attached to him and yet knowing that we won't be married for a long time. I am advocate for taking however much time it needs to know whether a man is the right one or not, but once that is figured out, just get married. No more temptation, no more longing, just marriage. My parents have taught me the value of this. I have also seen that even David who is called a man after God's own heart gave in to temptation; even Christians can fall into temptation and it is best to avoid temptation.
The unmarried woman with a man in mind.
The unmarried woman with a man in mind can be tempted to please her future husband, like the married woman is anxious to please her husband. I am not saying that a woman who is courting a man should not try to please him. (She should however do this as serving a brother in Christ in all purity. 1 Timothy 5:2) However, in preparing for marriage we must be mature spiritually and also mature in how we conduct ourselves and care for that which has been entrusted to us, and also growing in our relationship with God and not putting those things on the back burner or lower on our priority list because we are trying to please a man. Pleasing God should be our highest priority.
Our judgment could also be clouded as to our preparedness for marriage if we already have our mind set on a certain man and want to be with him. If you don't have a man in mind you can prepare for marriage to whomever God may have for you without even knowing who he is; whereas if you have a man in mind you could be tempted to be preparing yourself just so that you can mark off everything on your list and finally be allowed to marry him already. Our first priority as single women should be to please God and to prepare ourselves to be a suitable helpmeet to whomever He has for us to marry.
Hopefully this can be an encouragement to single women who are desiring marriage, to be preparing themselves even now. There are downfalls to waiting to prepare and benefits of starting to prepare yourselves now.
I would also like to encourage young women to start conversations with your parents about what you desire in a spouse. Let them know the things that are important to you. That list of questions that I mentioned earlier, have your father read that and let him add questions. It is important to have godly advice from people such as your parents when it comes to preparing for marriage and going through a relationship. God has given us parents to guide us and has given fathers the duty to both train their children in the fear and the admonition of the Lord, (Ephesians 6:4) and to protect their daughters. The advice and encouragement of other Christians that are closely connected to you are good too. I mean, for us young women it doesn't hurt to have extra brothers in Christ to examine a young man and grill him with all the hard questions! (In love, in love.) The Bible says that there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Proverbs 11:14 says: "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." I would like to apply this principle to marriage and the wisdom in having an abundance of counselors in whether a man would be a suitable and godly husband.
What are some ways that I have been preparing for marriage?
- I have conversations with my parents. I ask them what they see in my life that I need to work on to prepare myself for marriage. This can include character qualities that they see that I should be cultivating.
- I spend time with my family. I have many younger siblings so I get practice with babies and younger children which prepares me for caring for any children that God may give me in the future.
- I help around our home with cleaning, chores, cooking, etc, which gives me practice for being a keeper at home after marriage.
- I do Bible memory, personal prayer time, and family worship which grow me in my walk with God.
- I do evangelism within the context of my family which gives me a better understanding of my worldview and how to defend the faith and also drives me to study more so that I can give a reasoned defense of my faith. I do this under the the authority of my parents, yet they also give me the ability to study to build my own convictions based on Scripture and they guide me and teach me along the way.
- I minister alongside, and fellowship with mature Christian brothers and sisters in Christ who encourage me in my walk with God, in my evangelism, and in looking to God's Word. One good way to prepare for marriage is to strive to be a solid Christian and brothers and sister in Christ can be a benefit in this. The Bible teaches about the importance of the Church. The body of Christ is important to the Christian and Christians walk alongside one another and point one another to Christ our head.
- I ask God to be preparing me to be a godly wife and mother.
- I have a good relationship with my parents and we discuss marriage and courtship often. We discuss these things beforehand so they won't seem like completely foreign concepts whenever I may start a relationship. (I am the oldest daughter, so I get to be the test case. I don't mind, I think they will do great leading me through a relationship as they have done amazing leading me so far in other areas of my life.)
- I listen to sermons, Christian radio shows, and read good Christian books to grow in my understanding of God and His Word.
I would encourage young women to keep yourselves pure in body and mind and to save yourself completely for the one special man that God has for you. I know for me that I do not want to have regrets about giving my heart away to a young man who will not be my husband. In 1 Timothy 5:1-2 it says to encourage younger men as brothers, and younger women as sisters, in all purity. This should be our attitude toward young men, we should encourage them as brothers in all purity, and avoid inappropriate relationships, affections, or desires. Evaluate a man and have others evaluate him too, be constant in prayer, and be prepared for when the right man comes along.
May God keep us pure for our future husbands and be preparing us even now for our future marriages, with our hearts set on pleasing God in all we do.
~Virginia
